


I loved you (I still do)

by erstwhileLove



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crying, Felix being the support bro he is, Heavy Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Implied/Referenced Smut, M/M, No band, OOF WHAT HAVE I DONE, basically just angst dont read if u cant handle it, frigging dispatch snoopin around, heartbroken seungmin and jeongin, im sorry, pls go easy ahhh, the one that got away, they’re soloists now lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 03:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14393373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erstwhileLove/pseuds/erstwhileLove
Summary: If words were objects, then he would’ve taken both of his rough hands and picked them back up.Love is a difficult thing.“I think I’m ready,” Seungmin tells Felix.“For what?”“I’m ready to tell Jeongin.”





	I loved you (I still do)

**Author's Note:**

> (notes will be at the end of the fic)

The minute he says those two words, he wants to take them back. Desperately. If words were objects, then he would’ve taken both of his rough hands and picked them back up. The way that Jeongin’s face scrunches up in an emotional way makes him want to scream. The younger’s usual affectionate and sweet smile turns into a painful frown.

He loved him.

Well, _loves_  him still.

They’ve been together for about two years already. Two happy years—pains, struggles, kisses, I love you’s, smiles, laughs, fighting, and fooling around until Jeongin is moaning and weak under Seungmin.

He’s still in love, but he knows for a fact that love is difficult when you’re a well-known idol. They weren’t very cautious when they were younger. Seungmin can still remember how they’d be in their own drunken world, babbling sweet nothings to each other while wobbling down the streets of Seoul— at three in the morning. Not smart, they know.

Since they weren’t aware of their surroundings, Dispatch followed them on one date they had. Next thing you know, Jeongin’s pounding on Seungmin’s door late at night.

_”They know,” Jeongin had panted, showing the phone to the older. Seungmin didn’t even need to look at it to figure out what he was talking about. “It’ll be alright,” he had whispered into the smaller male’s ear, hugging him close. Anyone passing would see two men holding each other tightly, tears wetting their shirts._

The public found out faster than they wanted.Two solo idols, famous, were found out to be dating. Most of the fans shared their thoughts online, saying that they had been expecting the news since the pair were _obviously_  closer than close.

When the world found out about their relationship, it had also been the time everything went downhill.

* * *

 

“I’m sorry,” is all Seungmin can get out. The pain on Jeongin’s face makes him want to get down on his knees and tell him he still loves him.

But he chooses to keep his mouth shut tight. 

Anyways, he didn’t even say he _wasn’t in love anymore,_ so maybe the younger will understand why he is doing this. Jeongin’s face is blank like a white canvas, unable to read— even to the person who was by his side all the time. He wants the younger to be angry. To be mad at him for saying all that. For breaking the promise he was supposed to keep.

But all Jeongin does is crinkle up his eyes into small crescents, and smile as much as he can. It’s such a painful smile that it makes Seungmin’s heart feel heavy with hesitation. He’s smiling as the tears start to run down his face. Glistening tears that look oddly like crystals, falling like the waterfalls they once saw in Hawaii— together.

Seungmin thinks they’re beautiful, but not as beautiful since he caused these ones. He feels the guilt washing over him like rough waves when the first tear makes it to his chin.

 _“Gwenchana_ ,” Jeongin whispers, voice broken.

_No, it’s not okay! How can you say that when I just told you that we’re better off never seeing each other?!_

Seungmin wants to cry as well. To hold the crying Jeongin in his arms and tell him it’s going to be okay. That he still loves him and that he’s still  _his._

The autumn breeze comes by, and it’s evil, messing up Jeongin’s hair in a cute familiar way. It’s evil when it makes it look like his bed head, the first thing Seungmin sees whenever he wakes up every morning, or what he looks like when he’s begging for Seungmin to just  _touch him._

Jeongin’s arms go straight to his sides, rubbing them to try to create friction. The older reaches out automatically to pull him close to his chest like he usually does. Jeongin blinks at the outstretched hand. The same blank expression is back, painted on his face.

Realizing his mistake, Seungmin withdraws his hand.

“Sorry...”

There’s that smile from Jeongin again, the smile that makes him want to rip his hair out. There’s a silence, one that isn’t awkward but not comfortable either. It’s a silence where the two of them are unsure of what to say, scared to be the first to speak. 

Jeongin looks up at the sky like it’s the best thing ever. The sunset is a beautiful orange, pink, and blue color. It really compliments the younger’s looks. The sun peeks out in an amazing way that’ll make you remember how beautiful the world truly is. 

“You know, my mother used to tell me to always smile even when something doesn’t feel right or nice,” Jeongin mumurs, breaking the silence in the most graceful way. (to Seungmin.) “She told me to smile and be strong, no matter the situation. _Smiling can help take away some pain.”_  

Seungmin shivers at those words, his own arms wrapping around himself. He pretends to not notice Jeongin almost reach out to grab his hand. This time, it’s the younger to withdraw the hand that used to be his to hold.

_”Jeongin,” Seungmin said quietly. “I... I’ve been thinking that we should... not— see each other anymore.” Jeongin didn’t respond for a longtime. He just stood there, watching as the sun disappeared in the hills._

_”Oh,” he finally said in response. It was a simple word, yet it made Seungmin force himself to look up and ignore the tears forming._

”I think I agree,” Jeongin says bluntly after thinking to himself. He turns around, looking Seungmin straight in the eye. Said male has to fight himself to not throw his arms around him.    

”You do?” he asks stupidly instead. Jeongin laughs, and it’s bitter. There’s a hint of sweetness, but it’s gone faster than Seungmin wanted.

_Of course he agrees._

”Perfect love stories always seem to end, huh?” Jeongin asks, trying to laugh, only having it come out as a sigh. Seungmin nods slowly, not noticing the hurt on Jeongin’s face right after.

There’s a moment where the pair are just staring at each other. Nothing but them, just looking at each other. Their expressions are the same, blank to each other, but they’re both hiding something colorful and amazing.

“I think I should go soon,” the younger whispers softly after emotionally broken silence. His eyes move from those eyes he gets lost in to the hard cement.

“Y-yeah.” Seungmin internally slaps himself for agreeing just like that. They stare at each other again, but just before they can get lost, Jeongin breaks it. 

Seungmin ignores the way his heart stops for a second. He searches and searches the younger’s eyes, looking for something that he doesn’t even know. There’s nothing but pain, sorrow, confusion, and maybe... maybe even love?

”I’m sorry,” Seungmin blurts again. Jeongin laughs halfheartedly, running a hand through his tousled hair. This action makes the older fall in love all over again. 

It hurts his heart.

”You don’t have to say that all the time, Hyung.”                    

 “I know... I just thought that maybe I’d let you know again.”              

“Ah.”                              

Jeongin stands up—when did he sit on the floor; The older doesn’t even know—and tidies his outfit. Seungmin uses all his willpower to not wrap his fingers around his wrist and plead for him to stay.

”I guess... I’ll see you, around?”

 “I— yeah, I guess.”                                      _Stupid response! Tell him you still love him, right now!_ As Jeongin begins to walk away, Seungmin grabs his shoulder.

“Wait, Jeonginnie— I mean, Jeongin-ah. I—“ he’s about to say something, anything that’s on his mind. The younger turns around slowly, meeting his gaze. He hums softly in response, eyebrows raised.

When Seungmin sees Jeongin’s face— hurt, broken, sad, and melancholy-like, all caused by him, his words are lost. There’s that same smile stuck on his ex-lover’s face like a magnet stuck to a wall. It just won’t leave. Its bitterness is equivalent to the way a fruit is when it’s not ripe. When it is not ready.

He realizes he can’t just take back all the words he said before. He can’t take back the lock that had bound them together in the beginning. The key is probably at the end of the rainbow, waiting to be discovered once again.

”I... never mind,” he croaks.  

There’s a moment where Jeongin and Seungmin meet gazes once again. They stare at each other, almost longingly. There’s a moment where Seungmin feels as if everything is normal.    

Like he is going to kiss his boyfriend goodbye after a sweet date. Soon, everything they’ve gone through together hits him. 

He remembers their first kiss, how it was literally just them crashing lips. Then he remembers their first date, how they weren’t afraid to be around each other. How right it felt to have his hand intertwined with his lover’s. He remembers their first time together. Seungmin had to guide Jeongin the whole time. It was slow, full of love, and amazing. Then he remembers their last date.

How much fun they had. How much it hurt to hear Jeongin shout,  _I’ll see you next time!_

The reality slaps him in the face.

Jeongin’s hollow laugh returns when he realizes the older was zoning. Soon enough, he’s waving goodbye.      

The last farewell.            

The end of it all.

The flower is dead, it’s gone. The key was thrown, thrown by Seungmin. Their hearts are broken.

He stares off in the distance, watching the younger walk, and then run. He watches until he’s a speck. It’s like he’s waiting for Jeongin to turn around, to run back and shower him with kisses. 

Nothing happens.

He expects it to start raining like it does in dramas, but instead the wind grows stronger. It’s odd, because it’s like its trying to push him somewhere. But he isn’t sure where to go anymore.

Three months go by.    

Busy schedules, busy idols.

Less and less sleep.        

No voicemails or calls, not texts that need to be answered.

Jeongin waits in front of the apartment, unsure of what he is really doing.  

“Jeongin?” a deep voice asks, causing the said male to jump. He turns around. It’s Seungmin’s neighbor, a well-known rapper, Lee Felix.    

 “Felix-ssi?”

“What’re you doing here, Jeongin?”    

 “I... well— I don’t... I—“              

 “If you’re looking for Seungmin-ah, then I’m afraid you won’t find him here right now. He’s at the bar.”

”But he never goes to bars. He hates them.”  

 “Well, ever since  _that_  happened months ago, he started going a lot. Why’re you even here, dude?”

Jeongin realizes what he is doing is dumb. “Ah, sorry,” he smiles. “I’ll get going now.” He walks away swiftly, trying to ignore the deep voice calling his name. He also ignores the fresh tears that stain his cheeks.

Then he starts running.

Months go by, time going faster than you can believe.    

“Did you hear about the latest Dispatch post?” Seungmin rolls his eyes in response.                        

 “Let me guess, they tried following someone to their house again.” Felix fidgets.                      

“No, it’s not that,” he mutters, handing him his phone. Seungmin shrugs, taking the device.

_YANG JEONGIN AND LEE JISUNG SPOTTED ON A DATE AND CONFIRMED THEIR RELATIONSHIP?_

_Superstar idols, Yang Jeongin and Lee Jisung have recently been spotted on an outting together. Fans spotted them hand-in-hand walking down the shore of Gyeongpo Beach._

  _“At first we didn’t know it was them,” a lucky fan says. “Jeongin oppa saw us following them, and he let us take pictures with the two of them.”_

_Who knew these two would get together? Fans have been asking the agencies for confirmation, and just recently JYP entertainment said it’s true. Jeongin’s agency said that the two have been in a relationship for about a month now._

_“They looked really happy that day, together, hand-in-hand,” the fan’s friend explains. “they make a cute couple.”_

_”Oh,”_ Seungmin says in a cross between shock and hurt.

“Seungmin...” Felix hugs him.

 “Oh,” Seungmin whispers again, this time softer but more hurt. Felix pulls away.

 “Are you alright?”            

 “I’m fine. Life is great. My love life is still alive. My heart is yearning.”  

 “Seungmin...” 

He looks away, peering out the window. 

  _I love you, still_.

* * *

_“Do you have anything else you want to say before we wrap this broadcast up, Jeongin-ssi?”_

_“I wanted to... say something to someone who was very special to me. Have you eaten? I hope you have. Make sure to never skip meals, okay? Make sure you take care of yourself. If you don’t, then I won’t be happy. And... don’t blame yourself for breaking the promise.”_

* * *

 

 _“I’ll love you forever and never leave your side.”_

_“Forever, Hyung?”_

_“Forever is a longtime, but being with you forever is worth it.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Will you really never leave me?”_

_“ **I promise.** ”  _

_“... good. You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours.”_

 

_I regret everything I said to you._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> ahhhh  
> thank you so much for reading! (if you managed to get through it.) I wrote this quite a while ago, but I couldn’t get myself to post it until now. This is actually my first fic, so I’m really sorry if it doesn’t meet your expectations.  
> Thanks again! :)


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